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March 2008

wait, week what?

I have entered what is definitely one of the top five worst periods of time in my life. Probably number three. No one died and no one is physically hurting me. 


It might count for more because of how much deeper I can go at this point in my life. Anyway. The only thing keeping me from abandoning my goal is Geminian vanity and the need to fit into my warm weather clothes again. 

I'm not the over-indulging-while-depressed type. I'm not entirely the punishing-myself-for-misery type either. I'm ridiculously balanced even when I wish I could just let loose. But I will admit I don't have much of an appetite. I have had slightly more alcohol, but it's not high calorie things, and I never overindulge on that either. I guess being sort of boring is part of my troubles. 

So I've cut back on sugar, and I've been eating less, and have managed to lose another pound. I have not been exercising officially because I don't have the will. But now that it's about to get warmer out, and the sun is shining higher in the sky, I'll be walking more, at least, and if I can ever find where I put my cycling shorts I'll get on the bike some more. 

I don't remember whatever I said I weighed, but I'm at 133 now, and would like to lose 7-9 more pounds. 


so, the thing is...

I'm going through something pretty painful right now. It doesn't have an expiration date on it. Being rather overwhelmed, I'm focusing on really basic needs, being very good to my family, trying to take care of myself, and working on my books and other bits of "serious" writing.  


I want so badly to be here, wasting time, instead. 

No one is sick or anything. In fact, I was reading the stories today in the pink plaid edition of the Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book, which everyone should have an edition of, seriously, about women who beat breast cancer and women who lost the fight, thinking, well, no matter how bad you think things are, apparently they can always be worse. But it's not really a comfort. 

Life's just unexpectedly confusing and hard. I find that even though I think I'm amazing and all, I'm not quite amazing enough to work through this without some pain and effort and depression and junk. 

I have never enjoyed surprises of any kind, and certainly not the sort that doesn't come with colorful wrapping paper and a bow. I really just want my mommy to come and hold me, but she is not here, so I have to get through this mostly alone. 

I'm still here, though, and still taking pictures of my food. Tonight was potato soup and blueberry bread. I care for you all and wish you well, but I don't have the mental energy for more than some popping in and out right now. 

I just wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I hope you'll be thinking of me. I—kind of really need that right now.