These things affect people more than we can know. I broke up with my first boyfriend stupidly as well, and, after catching up with him through a series of phone conversations 3 years ago, I've concluded that the breakup set off a chain of events for him, decisions he then made, situations he found himself in, that probably wouldn't have occured had I waited just a little longer or been a little more sensitive about how he felt. I don't blame myself for his choices, of course, just note that I was a catalyst for some of them.
So I was really bad at breaking up with two very nice young men, then hung onto to one who didn't deserve the privilege of tying my shoes. I thought I owed someone something. And it cost me a lot of pain and grief.
I was trying to find out what happened to Joe, without any success. I wanted to tell him some things, good things; what I finally remember about the time we spent together, and my hopes for his adult life. And to tell him why I just sort of abandoned him without apparent reason.
I don't think I ever even wrote to you properly to say goodbye. I doubt if you have thought of me in years, but I hope that if you have, it's been with fondness and not with bitterness, though I wouldn't blame you if that were so. For a long time, I didn't allow myself to remember you properly, feeling so guilty about our relationship as well as how I ended it. Only recently, after all these years, have I been able to look at the time we spent together and appreciate it for what it was. I've also always struggled with the idea that anyone thinks of me as often or as well as I think of them. And frankly, I was just really intimidated or maybe just put off by your father and his point of view on life. Those two problems combined made it feel impossible to carry on a long-distance relationship with no knowledge of where it might lead. But you probably figured that out.
What you may not have known is how much I enjoyed the time we spent together. You made me feel like a normal person, who didn't have to think through every next moment of life, who could just go out and live some of it. And, unless memory has played a trick on me, you were still the best kisser I have ever known. You were a fun, funny person, and I probably didn't give you enough credit for having your own ideas and interests and goals in life. And if only we'd met when I was a little more mature I would have had a lot better idea what to do with that beautiful body of yours. But, timid teenage girl and late bloomer that I was, this was not possible for some time to come. By then, it was much, much too late. So, of course, I hope your life has been fulfilling and successful; I have no doubt you've retained the ability to get the most out of everything you do. Please know that I've always wished you well, and credit you for what was the best year of my teens. I wasn't able to appreciate it then, but I definitely do now.
- Current Mood: contemplative